Majority of the times, I feel happy, I feel contented, I feel lucky to have a great relationship with my loved ones — my amazing family and friends. I am always doused in tons of love and support. But I just can’t help but feel something is lacking in my life – a romantic partner? I am really cringing at myself as I type all this out. I am not exactly sure why I place so much emphasis on having a romantic partner, is it because of societal norms and expectations ? Is it my animal instinct at work where my role is to reproduce and to prevent extinction?? I don’t know. Even though I am surrounded by so many people I love, and I really do enjoy the freedom of not being in a committed relationship, some days I just can’t help it but feel so lonely and feel like there is a gap in my life that needs to be filled. Am I just being too insecure? Does this mean I am not fully comfortable with myself, there is a lack of self acceptance and I just need someone else’s validation and someone to fill this gap? Is this gap really necessarily created by a lack of romantic partner in my life? Am I making all this up? If I come to fully accept myself, will I still feel this way? Is it because I am not fully contented with the way I am?
I wonder if this discontentment in me can only be fulfilled when I finally find someone I love romantically, or when I finally feel fully contented with myself, and be comfortable with being alone without feeling lonely.
One of my biggest fears have to be not finding “love”, and dying alone, dying single. Is it really that big of a deal to be alone? Will it compromise my happiness not having a significant other? All these are questions that constantly course through my mind, they are questions I often ask myself when I catch myself feeling lonely. But I just can’t seem to find answers to my own questions.
I also wonder if I just can’t find someone because I tend to feel “icked out” and push people away once they get a bit too close. Or it is because I have overly high expectations for someone I would consider dating, I really just want to be with someone whose values are aligned with mine, someone who would inspire me to grow in different ways, in terms of compassion, in an intellectual way, someone who would inspire me to be more self-reflective and challenge my perspectives on things, someone who values health and practices a healthy lifestyle, someone who would grow with me, experience things with me. I guess maybe I am asking for a little too much? Do I have overly high expectaitons? Am I supposed to compromise the things I want and expect from a partner? Since a traumatic experience where I fell for a guy with countless red flags that I was blinded to, I became extra careful to dealbreakers, and set my bar way higher to make sure I don’t fall into such a pit again. I made sure to properly consider the things I am looking for in someone, before even considering catching feelings. It sounds so systematic and unnatural, but I can’t control it. I have also thought maybe I am just asexual and can’t be attracted to anyone but I don’t think that is the case.
an unresolved dump of thoughts (March 2020 — my views have shifted now, will post an updated version soon)