Sometimes, I find it so frustrating how I feel so easily irritated, especially when it comes to family. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely close to my family, I feel like I can tell them anything, I trust them with everything, we have lots and lots of fun together. But somedays I would have a short temper, I would get more easily annoyed. On these days, I often find little things my family do to really cringe me out. Today, my dad did this “round of applause” where he clapped his hands in the shape of a circle to create a “round” of applause if that makes sense. I told him he was being cringey, not in an entirely serious tone, but still I felt a little bad.
I feel like I am sometimes a little too easily cringed out, by little things people do, especially with my family. This is funny actually because if anything I am the cringiest one in my family. I like being deliberately cringey because I like getting a reaction out of people, getting people weirded out, and I think sometimes it can really get others to, in a way, open up and also show me their cringey side. In a way, it can invite vulnerability, funnily enough — since it’s the very thing that also irritates me sometimes.
*sigh* we humans are just filled with paradoxes, we are constantly contradicting ourselves, I’ve come to accept that I am a hypocrite, all humans are hypocrites, I swear.
Honestly though, whenever I feel irritated, or when I feel my annoyance surging up, I would bring my awareness to those said feelings. I always end up coming to the conclusion that it is such an unpleasant feeling to feel. I end up becoming an unpleasant person to be around — and well, that sucks.
I want to be a pleasant person to be around. I actually set my intention everyday by journaling, and one intention that never changes is being a pleasant person to be around. I feel pleasant when I feel that others are comfortable and happy in my presence.
But today, during dinner, I could feel that I was not being the most pleasant person with my dad. He is so supportive of me, he is kind, generous, fun, adventurous, honestly an all round pretty amazing dad if you ask me. But when he starts talking about politics, business during dinner, that’s when I start getting irritated, annoyed, and I end up finding everything he says and does to be cringe. idk… I think I always end up shutting off and disengaging when he goes into “lecture mode” about business and politics because it makes me feel as though he’s neglecting the present moment, he’s neglecting me. It’s not my preferred conversation on the dinner table to be honest, especially when the topic had been gone over multiple times before.
I just realised that the underlying issue is this: I feel hurt when I feel like he cares more about business and politics more than me. This is because he spends more time being in meetings, forming connections with others, doing business, getting involved in politics, than he does with me. I feel neglected and hurt. In turn, I become this bomb that would explode.
I feel like currently I still have not come up with a solution that stops me from feeling all these things towards my dad. I still get irritated, I still have a short temper when it comes to him.
But what helps is seeing him as a multi-faceted human, ever growing, a human that is also only trying to become a better person every day. My dad is a human who also feels all the same ranges of emotions that I feel. He has showered me with so much love, care, support and I can’t forget that. As much as certain things he had done or said hurt me, I know that he did not have the intention to. That doesn’t mean that the hurt I felt is unjustified. But I think It is so important for me to stay patient and tolerant towards him and ultimately forgive him.
Thinking about it all, I am sure I have been an annoyance, I have been tactless, there were definitely times where I am not the best or most pleasant daughter to have. It is much easier to change myself than to change another person, such as my dad. So, what I can do is be more patient, be kinder, be nicer, listen attentively, give more attention to my dad, be more caring, compassionate, tolerant where I don’t react to the smallest things — I’m sure this would really eventually improve our relationship.