I’ve seen numerous Instagram posts, YT videos, articles about how to feel happy, how to get out of a mental clutter etc, sometimes it all just feels like a scam.
Don’t get me wrong, I find a lot of the resources online helpful, they advocate for things that actually work — meditation, journaling, yoga, cooking, going outdoors, connecting with nature, talking to your loved ones etc.
But sometimes, it feels like no matter how much self-care I put in, I still end up on this down-falling wave, it is almost cyclical. Whenever I feel my emotions plummeting, I amp up on the self-care stuff, I take lots of walks, journal, do breath work, incorporate stretches and adopt a healthy morning routine etc etc.
I realised that once the slightest of negative emotions–anger, anxiety, sadness–kicks in, I try my hardest to push it away because I am afraid of them. I am afraid of my emotions. I am afraid if I feel them too much my anxiety and depressive tendencies would come right back which I fought so hard to get away from.
I swung from one extreme to another, from feeling all my emotions too much and too hard to avoiding them.
As much as self-care stuff and these activities that are meant to make me feel better do feel good, I think ultimately I need to let myself feel me emotions, take it all in, understand the sources of my sadness and counter that rather than not processing them at all.
Maybe sometimes, the best way to feel better is just to feel my feelings in full force and bawl my eyes out, to let it tug at my heart, and admit that I am sad.
I’m also still just trying to figure out what I’m feeling… there are a few things that I’ve been very frustrated about–I drifted and stopped seeing this guy I was seeing almost everyday for the past month, I feel like I’m the only one that cleans up the flat and no one cares about the flat, I feel very different from my flatmates, I have no Christmas plans and I wish my family would come visit me, uni coursework deadlines are really piling up and that makes me scared as hell, my crush does not seem to be reciprocating the same feelings and interest towards me,
Wow writing these things that are making me really upset down make them seem so minute and insignificant. I actually just noticed that I have been making them bigger problems than they actually are lol…
I cried quite a bit while writing this post, but I feel so much better now. Thank you for letting me be in my feels and for being a great outlet for my emotions.